A Collection of Critical and Immaculate Predictions for 2026
The planet will continue its lonely journey around the sun, and so here I am again, to explain which things will and will not happen in 2026.
A year ago, for Splinter, I made a series of predictions for the coming trip around the sun. Some were correct — we did not, in fact, prove capable of building the massive robots used to fight the kaiju in the 2013 movie Pacific Rim, which takes place in 2025. Some were not — sorry, Mets fans.
Splinter, of course, is now no more, as that link heading to Jezebel can tell you, but the planet will continue its lonely journey regardless, and so here I am again, to explain which things will and will not happen in 2026:
NASA's Artemis II mission will be delayed past its April launch deadline. Project Hail Mary and Disclosure Day will both be incredible; The Odyssey, meanwhile, will make a billion dollars but honestly be kind of meh.
An earthquake will cause an alarming tsunami warning in the Pacific, but it will cause little damage. Speaker of the House Mike Johnson will continue his impressive streak of not reading or seeing or hearing about in any way the day's big news. The Dodgers will win a third consecutive World Series.
China will again break the record for new installed renewable energy. A Supreme Court Justice will either retire or die. The world's first space hotel will not, in fact, begin construction. A battle between remaining humans and super-intelligent apes a few years after a deadly pandemic will not take place in San Francisco, as was the case in the 2014 movie Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, which was set in 2026.
Barcelona will celebrate the completion of the Sagrada Familia after 142 years, as was announced a decade ago, but they'll just keep working on it anyway for another decade. The Oklahoma City Thunder will repeat as NBA champions, and will win the draft lottery thanks to so many other teams trading them their picks. You will hurl a phone or tablet across a room because some app or site tried to force utterly pointless "AI" support at you and ruined whatever you were trying to do.
A company will claim to have "de-extincted" another animal and most of media will parrot the claim even though all they did was alter a few genes of a living species. One of Trump's Cabinet will finally resign or be fired by the end of May. They won't be officially replaced via Senate vote for at least nine months.
The world will be warmer than in 2025, but cooler than 2024. The anticipated November landslide will come to pass in the House, but Republicans will keep the Senate. The Trump administration's 250th birthday celebrations will be the gaudiest, cringiest stuff you have ever seen.
One Battle After Another will win Best Picture at the Oscars, but Paul Thomas Anderson will not win Best Director. A sizable chunk of an Antarctic ice shelf will break off. Literally no matter what happens in politics, the same tired hacks will blame the Left.
Happy New Year, everyone.
